SOLO EXPEDITION TO PRAGUE / BERLIN, 2010
A life time ago I loved a man. I loved him deeply, gently, tenderly. He broke my heart, and I his. It was a classic betrayal. It was the first deep cut I ever suffered and although I have since healed, I am intrinsically connected through hopeless nostalgia. We had been reading the Milan Kundera book, “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” to one another in bed. We separated before the book was completed. I waited 2 years before buying a new copy, and read every thing else Kundera had ever written first. I booked a trip to visit the cities in which the book took place. I traveled there, alone, did lots of sight seeing and lots of aimless wandering. I got lost. I got sad. I felt beautiful. I people watched. I thought about my grandparents. I thought about eternal life. I picked flowers. I smiled at strangers. I drank too much. I walked too much. I slept too little. I was truly alone.
I completed the book in cafes and parks along my journey. It kept me company.
Looking back, it all seems so overly dramatic, but I was a quarter of a century old and I was wounded. What I really learned was what I needed to be happy, and that sometimes feeling sad is the right path to closure and comfort. Sometimes we need to find meaning in things, even if it’s false and foolish.
I haven’t much though about Kundera in the last year. Finding these old film roles has been a painful yet pleasant reminder of the version of myself I will never be again.
Es muss sein, es muss sein.
